Its going to be a long road

Those of you who know me will know I have always struggled with my weight. I haven't been a yo-yo weight person, instead a gradual climber, where the weight leeches onto me and slowly (but surely) engulfs me. I have lost almost half of me once and now, after having my second child and stopping smoking resulted in me gaining just about every ounce I ever lost, I have to start all over again. Don't kid yourself it is soul destroying. Devastatingly so. Not only do I not fit into any of my clothes but I weep quietly to myself when I see pics of this person who is clearly not me - not to mention mirrors. I avoid mirrors, like fallout friends, I avert my gaze when there is a mirror just about anywhere near me. Its the nonchalant - pretend they aren't here gaze... Which is just as damaging as it gives you a false sense of what you think you look like - as opposed to what you now actually look like. I am not one of those comfortable fat people. I am not the embrace who you are and be happy with what you have person. Nope - I don't drink that koolaid. I do not like myself like this and no matter how many people tell me: "But you aren't THAT fat"... I want to dropkick them. Ask my horse George - I don't think he likes the heffalump on him. So today is the very start of another journey. And boy have I been on a few. But let me tell you when I decide to own a journey I will own it and it will be epic. Meal 1 of at least a 6 months journey ahead of me and I am feeling excited and nervous and highly motivated. I also tend to fail if I do it alone. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me its going to be alright. So I have a new someone now and I am not going to tell you just yet who she is. But in time I will. So this blog isn't for the masses its for me. I am not going to put it our there. I am going to merely, like a canoe on a river with a slow current, glide it onto the water and watch it be my guide for my journey. I hope to provide updates - use this as my own opinion poll and ultimately give myself motivation. This one is for me! So wish me luck.